Life Online: How adults can help young people make the most of social media

 

The average American teenager devotes nearly as much time in her day to consuming electronic media as to sleeping, according to one recent survey. Whether "binging" their favorite Netflix or Hulu show, watching YouTube videos, or scrolling through friends' social-media posts, young people increasingly understand themselves and their world through a screen.

 

A large part of that world involves social media; the same survey found that nearly half of teenagers use social media every day. But don't confuse this with Facebook: Young people are carving out their own (virtual) spaces, moving away from "first-generation" sites in favor of new applications such as Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, and Vine. The way they use them differs, too. Adults often miss the many messages hidden in plain sight; adolescents communicate in constantly changing code, language that isn't always obvious but is almost always abbreviated.

 

These societal trends have left parents and teachers grappling with how best to respond in a way that supports our children and our students. We'd like to suggest that adults, at the very least, consider a new paradigm: social-media usage serving not as an extracurricular activity but rather as one of the most significant ways young people are socialized. The way we help young people navigate the triumphs and challenges of this virtual world, then, must be sensitive to this fundamental role in their lives.

 

Even a well-meaning message such as, "It's just social media—it doesn't matter in the real world how many people 'like' your post," can reinforce a child's conclusion that adults don't get it, rather than assuage her disappointment and anxiety. The virtual world may exist only through a screen, yet it is quite real to teenagers and preteens. The more adults can accept this, the more able we are to open lines of communication and come to terms with what is going on in a place that we may never fully understand ourselves.

 

Educators have long known that the good and bad that happens at home follow students to school; these days, what happens on social media follows students home. It can be a force for good or the root of real challenges.

 

That's because pre-adolescents and adolescents are exploring social media at a time when their brain development directly affects their behavior. Educational psychologist Dr. JoAnn Deak explains that the underdeveloped state of the prefrontal cortex, the "rational" center of our brains that drives decision-making, leads to more risk-taking behaviors. At the same time, the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, is more active during adolescence than at any other time. Unable to fully consider implications and consequences of decisions, young people are plunging forward in word and deed at a time when they feel things deeply—things that may include equally disinhibited words and actions of others. The protection of a screen blurs reality, supporting the impulse to post, send, or share.

 

A growing body of research is exploring the effect on the brain of all that screen time. The findings suggest that the development of empathy—consideration of what motivates others' decisions and underpins their feelings—suffers the more time one spends behind a screen as the brain is still growing: The ability to read nonverbal language and micro-expressions, to understand the impact of our words and actions on another, has a direct result on the ability to fully consider the sensibilities of others.

 

Deak emphasizes that young people need a diversity of face-to-face relationships and experiences to build social savvy by adulthood. These need not be only positive experiences; healthy, normal social conflict—Deak draws the line at bullying—and problem-solving around social challenges like peer pressure, an argument, or a friend "breakup" are crucial to developing emotional understanding, empathy, sympathy, and compassion. In short, the only way adolescents cultivate social intelligence is through real social interactions, not from behind a screen.

 

NCS students learn about technology and social media through technology classes, special presentations and breakout discussions, advisory sessions, and peer groups led by older students. Underpinning explicit technology instruction are the social skills explored in wellness classes, in which students learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships and making healthy choices in a variety of settings. We do this in partnership with St. Albans School, developing programs and troubleshooting challenges that emerge on either campus. Our foremost goals are twofold: to teach the girls what it means to be good digital citizens so that they can productively and respectfully engage online, and to empower parents to have conversations, make decisions, and set limits with their children about social media that reflect their values. It is this partnership with parents that helps keep lines of communication open, both at home and at school.

 

Adults talking to a child about social media—the mores of a particular site, what makes it fun to use, and what she perceives as its challenges—forges a connection even as it asks her to think critically. Emphasizing the lasting impact of our digital footprints can help a young person think twice before she posts a comment or sends a picture. Seeking out and highlighting positive examples of technology and social-media use, including those that emphasize a family's values, will reinforce the notion that these tools can be powerful forces for good. (Encouraging children, for instance, to use social media to research and promote causes that are important to them can turn the focus away from "selfies.") Finally, adults can help children develop empathic responses by asking them to consider how their words or actions would affect others, encouraging them to push past their default responses.

 

We often tell teenagers to "trust their instincts" in challenging situations— instincts that are rooted in values and norms that have been cultivated and reinforced over many years. Bolstering the relationships and traditions at the heart of families is a strong catalyst for positive behaviors in young people. Social media, with their potential to make a profound impact on self-esteem and relationships, amount to simply another of these situations.

 

To support our children, adults can rely on the basics—open communication, judgment-free questions, and conversation. We cannot immunize children against hurt feelings or mistakes around social media. But we can offer them guidance, and making sure they know what matters to you amounts to a powerful road map through the inevitable, unpredictable challenges of a 21st-century adolescence.