Q&A With the Counseling Team

NCS counselors reflect on the social and emotional impact of COVID-19

What do you see as the biggest impact of the pandemic on students’ social-emotional well-being?
IB: Isolation really affected their social-emotional well-being. Teenagers are social beings, and the inability to socialize in the way that they’re used to was difficult. For those who were already a little bit vulnerable or were predisposed toward anxiety or depression, the pandemic brought those symptoms to the surface with the isolation and lack of connection. Vaccinations have helped ease the burden for those with exacerbated conditions.

CK: I was going to say the same thing—not being around their peers and in classrooms for some of the natural learning growth, development, and connectedness that’s so important. By not being in routine or having structure, there was a rise in some of the more maladaptive coping skills.

LG: Reactions related to trauma and grief increased, which could look like depression or anxiety but result from exposure to trauma and grief. There was so much loss. We spoke with the kids about this, and Ivette brought in the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing to talk with students and adults. Many folks have someone they know who died of COVID-19, and you don’t have to have known someone who has died to experience loss and grief. Not being able to be at school with your friends is a huge loss. Missing out on having a big birthday party, a milestone, or a graduation—that is a huge loss in the eyes of a child or a teenager.

KM: Thinking about our youngest students in the Lower School, I’m very aware that during childhood the world can already seem like a big, scary place that’s impossible to negotiate. When you throw something as unpredictable as a global pandemic into the mix, it really puts a stress on children’s developing sense of mastery and competence, which is so important for a healthy transition to adolescence.

How might people know that they need to tend to their social-emotional well-being during these challenging times?
LG: Look for changes in someone’s mood or demeanor or changes in how they take care of themselves: sleeping, eating, exercise, and hygiene habits. Also, a loss of interest in things that they used to bring them joy—we see that often when there’s something hard happening. To me, that would be a sign that it’s time to stop and pause, see what’s going on, and take care of themselves. Changes in academic performance tend to be a big warning sign, too.

CK: Yeah, even with being around peers once again, I think students are reintegrating into being back at school and learning and with that can come anxiety, stress. Some signs of this might include being overwhelmed or irritable, things like that would indicate students would really benefit from learning about things that they can do to better cope and take care of themselves.

What support would you recommend for someone who is going through that?
LG: Find a trusted adult to share their experience with and to think together with that person about how to get help. We have seen mental health services being accessed at a rate that they never have before. Many therapists that I’ve tried to call on behalf of one of our students and faculty/staff are full and not accepting new patients. It’s a testament to how much support we all need. Not every person chooses that path, but for many folks, therapy is hugely helpful, and I recommend it all the time. If you do not choose to pursue therapy, then double down on habits that help you take care of yourself. We hope that if for some reason we at school don’t notice that a student is having a hard time, a trusted adult, sibling, or friend will find a way to let us know so we can partner with the family and support the student here.

CK: Talking with friends, family, an important adult in your life, or a counselor—being able to let someone know what’s going on—and getting support is important.

Thinking back to last year, what was the most difficult part for you as counselors?
IB: The hardest part was not seeing the students. We missed all those hallway moments, when we can tell something’s a little off with a student. Some kids who don’t have an issue reaching out to us were still reaching out, but there were others who didn’t know how to do that, were afraid to do that, or were so sick of Zoom that they weren’t motivated to do it. That was really hard for us because they were deteriorating quickly in terms of mood or lack of motivation, and it was hard to get to them. We had to rely heavily on our colleagues to notice when things seemed a little bit off.

LG: One of the challenges for me, too, was being able to determine how severe something was. If a teacher were to say to me that they were worried about a student, it was hard to tell where that worry fell on the spectrum of, this is a typical behavior in response to a pandemic versus this child is really experiencing something hard. We pick up so much in their affect and their nonverbals in person, and missing that was hard. I found myself calling home more than I usually do in an effort to make sure kids were safe and taken care of and to enlist parents as partners in safeguarding well-being since they were the ones who were able to keep close eyes on students.

Serving a community’s mental health needs during a pandemic is a heavy lift. Did it take a toll on you personally?
IB: Definitely. And being a person of color and supporting our colleagues of color was hard because there was a lot going on. I can only speak for myself, but what I can share is what was going on in our country in terms of racial inequities and social justice issues had a huge impact on the adults. It affected how they were able, and sometimes not able, to support students because they were trying to manage their own emotions while also dealing with the stress of the pandemic. Our administrative team supported the counseling department’s idea to offer a therapy group for folks of color. We met for about six weeks in the second semester, and it was a nice place for folks to process what was going on.

LG: I made an effort to focus on things that fill me up: my partner, family, friends, exercise, fresh air, and good television shows. I was using my social outlets and own mental health care to make sure that I was able to take care of myself and be present for the people that I needed to be present for, but it was hard. I also found myself feeling tremendous pressure to fix things. What we came to understand as a team was that all anybody really wanted was for the pandemic to go away. Everyone had so many worries, fears, and anxieties about that and didn’t know what to do with them. No one was saying to us, “You need to make this better,” because obviously they know and we know that we can’t, but we still felt that. I was so grateful for this counseling team as we met regularly to check in with each other, offer support, and brainstorm ideas.

KM: I think that one of the larger challenges was trying to think about how we could offer support to all of the grown-ups who were giving so much to the students. I was just talking with a student about how we all have a vase inside of us—that vase can get filled up with love and comfort or it can get emptied out. When it’s emptied out, it’s really hard for us to give to others. We were trying to think about how we help those vases not be so depleted for the grown-ups.

What challenges do you anticipate as we move toward a post-COVID-19 world?
CK:Trying to incorporate and continue some of the silver linings of COVID-19, like prioritizing mental health, self-care, and balance. I think those have been some positives among everything else that’s gone on and are really important to keep.

LG: I think the biggest challenge is going to be, how do we move towards healing? There’s still so much trauma in the world. We’ve seen a rise in anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, globally. We’ve seen so much loss and grief, and our challenge is that we can’t just pretend that the pandemic never happened. At the same time, we have to continue to live our lives. So how do we do that in a way that doesn’t undermine everything we’ve experienced? I don’t know quite what that looks like yet, but we need to be able to find a way to come together and heal.

IB: In terms of school life, it’s going to be especially important for our department to help the adults remember what we’ve learned and how we manage students in terms of workloads and their school-life balance. I think it’s easy for us to go back to what we were doing before March 2020. We talked about all these things that we wanted to keep and what we learned—how do we manage that and still be the school that our reputation demands?

KM: We’ve seen a diminution in students’ social-emotional skills, particularly when it comes to working in a group. Having to re-learn practices such as active listening, turn-taking, conversation, and negotiation—those fundamentals for learning and growing in community—is a challenge. The students will get there, no doubt, but we’re being very intentional about nurturing this part of them.

What advice do you have for caregivers, parents, and teachers about safeguarding students’ social-emotional well-being as well as their own as the pandemic continues?
IB: Self-care, modeling the behavior they want their children to emulate, validating their children’s emotions, and letting them know that they can’t fix it either. It is not fun to still be in a pandemic, wearing masks, and worrying about variants. But it’s the proverbial oxygen mask—parents have got to put that mask on for themselves before they can be helpful to the people that they care for. Also, avoid the tendency to think that the pandemic is over. We’re maybe over the pinnacle of the mountain, but I don’t think we’re over this by any stretch yet. I think parents want it to be over so badly for their children and for themselves.

KM: Psychologist and author Lisa Damour talks about keeping some slack in the line in terms of how families organize themselves, meaning we don’t have to live at the end of a taut rope all the time. Think carefully about schedules, commitments, and expectations—where can we dial it back a bit so we get a little give? One of the silver linings of COVID-19 was that we might have had a little more slack in our line. And so, for both children and parents, trying to thoughtfully create a new world in which we keep some of that slack is really important.

LG: What I often tell parents is to fight against their parental instincts to fix things. Parents so naturally want to make everything better for their child—of course, that’s their job as parents—and in this case, there are so many things that we just can’t undo. Their job becomes listening, validating, and empathizing—not going to a place of trying to fix it or make it better. Instead, just join your child. It requires parents to dig deep and see their child in pain and sit with that, which is so very hard to do. But kids learn to make sense of their feelings based on the responses that they get from adults. If a child is feeling sad and the parent says, “Cheer up! Let’s go do this fun thing,” the child starts to wonder, “Is my experience valid? Does it make sense?” What they really need from parents, teachers, coaches, mentors, and caregivers is to be seen for that difficult feeling.

CK: Make time to talk openly with kids about how they’re doing or knowing who they can go to for more support. Model checking in with yourself and what you need; model whatever negative feeling you’re feeling. If you’re sad, frustrated, or stressed, naming that and then showing what you’re doing to address that helps kids learn how to manage these feelings in healthy ways.

What’s it like now that students are back on campus full time?
IB: One thing I’ve noticed since we’ve been back is that, even though they’re still wearing masks, the kids are so happy to be back at school. Their energy and love for NCS permeates through adults. It makes us happy to see them so happy. One moment for me was Spirit Day. Looking at them in the gym, with all their purple and gold, it was just pure joy. Even though we are still in the middle of a pandemic, there are moments of joy and happiness.

KM: It’s amazing and fun. There is nothing like the energy we get from being in community together. Plus, the great secret about working with kids is that they teach and challenge the grown-ups as much, or more, than we do them. It feels great to be back together.

This Q&A originally appeared in the Fall 2021 edition of NCS Magazine.